9 January 03
Over Christmas, at my parents', my mother and my sister were
going through boxes of old photographs, and turned up one of me from, I
believe, the summer after my freshman year in college. In it, I look pretty
good. I don't mean "good" in the sense of overall physical attractiveness,
due to a haircut and dye-job that attempted to balance a sort of Flock of
Seagulls ambition against a complete refusal to engage in any routine
upkeep. But I look trim, at least. I have not actually kept a record of my
weight over the years, but it's my recollection that during college I
weighed about 150 pounds, and at the point in my growth where my proper 501
inseam length first reached its apparent terminal point at 30 inches, I am
pretty sure my waist size was 29. I do not recall either of these figures
fluctuating noticeably during college, despite prevailing expectations.
Since college, however, I have grown. In many ways, I would contend, but
clearly among them are the horizontal dimensions. My adult "lifestyle", in
the sense that one means the term when talking about weight, has involved
eating whatever I wanted to eat, and avoiding any form of routine or
prolonged exercise, and this combination has some unsurprising
consequences. Periodically, when I went to replace a worn-out pair of 501s,
I would discover that for some reason the next size up fit better. If
questioned, I don't think I would have actually voiced my standing
suspicion that Levi's were slowly adjusting the cut of their pants, but it
had to be a factor. After examining the bits of evidence in stray old
correspondence and the occasional medical report, though, I feel I can now
quantify what was going on. In the course of a single year, I gained four
pounds.
I do not believe I am being unacceptably lenient on myself
when I stipulate that gaining four pounds in a year does not indicate a
crisis-inducing level of indiscipline. Unless you are engaged in a business
in which you are periodically photographed naked, virtually nobody will
ever notice a four-pound change in your body weight, and certainly not if
you're careful to gain it that slowly. At the end of the year, though,
there is another year. In the course of two years, I gained eight pounds.
Eight pounds, you can probably start to discern. And if you can't, twelve
is even easier. In fact, as best as I can tell, I kept up a
four-pounds-per-year pace with obscurely admirable consistency from the day
I stopped eating late-Eighties Harvard dormitory food. That, unfortunately,
was a few years ago now. I finished college in 1989. Four pounds a year,
over the course of twelve or thirteen years, is enough to push even the
most earnest 150 towards the arbitrarily worrisome point where the first
digit changes. When the last set of provocatively clingy 29-inch-waist 501s
perished, a couple years after college, I moved up to the more mature 32s.
Some time later, I switched to the relaxed idiom of 34s. Eventually I even
found myself more comfortable in the generous grace of 36s. I kept meaning
to confront Strauss & Co. about this trend of theirs, because imagine
how demoralizing it must be for fat people. According to the generic
Body Mass Index calculation, a person of my height is "overweight"
beginning at 170 pounds, and "obese" starting at 204. But, I mean, who
isn't overweight? Clearly I was not obese. I know what obesity looks
like. "Pudgy", I could accept that. "Solid", if you were feeling kind. My
mother, in her role as pesterer with my best interests at heart, had begun
suggesting, although not this bluntly, that I might enjoy being less fat.
In her other role as a person who has known me a very long time, though,
she simply observed that some day I would decide to deal with it. And since
it didn't seem to be reducing the quality of my life in any concrete (read
"impossible for even a very lazy and stubborn person to deliberately
overlook") way, that day had not yet arrived.
And then, last winter, I hurt my knee. As my doctor was
strangely reluctant to admit to me but my physical therapist was perfectly
happy to spell out, I partially tore my left ACL. There was astroturf, most
of me was turning rather sharply, and the part of me from my left knee to
the ground was not. As with, come to think of it, pretty much all of my
injuries, I do not recommend this. A somewhat involved course of physical
therapy was required just to get me walking normally again, and returning
to the point where I could run, never mind play soccer, was either
going to involve a significant surgery, or else a long and methodical
process of training the other muscles involved in the movement of my knee
to take over some of the supporting function of the damaged ligament. And
as I attempted to begin the latter long and methodical process, I
discovered that the rest of my body wasn't up to it. My knee needed
treadmills or exercise bicycles or ellipticals or something, and my lungs
balked long before any of them could do any good. And while never running
another step in my life didn't seem totally unacceptable, never being
able to run another step if I really needed to just felt like poor
planning. Apparently the day for dealing with it had come.
As one of the few bits of spam that still consistently eludes
Apple Mail's junk filter repeatedly confides, "If you're like me, you've
tried EVERYTHING to lose weight." Although I don't wish to be insensitive
to the constraints of individual metabolisms, I do now feel obliged to pose
a clarifying question. "In 'EVERYTHING', do you include adopting a mild and
minimally invasive exercise regimen and applying even the smallest amounts
of intelligence to your diet?" In early July I bought a rowing machine
(lower-impact than a treadmill, more upper-body involvement than a
stationary bike, and locatable in my living room where I do not have to
cope with the company of the dreary sort of people who exercise) and
after a slow ramp-up, I now pry myself out of bed and row for half an hour
every morning, except the mornings when I don't quite manage to, which
usually works out to a rhythm of two or three days on and one off. I watch
Japanese music videos or Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVDs or something
while I row, and the time passes rather pleasantly. My heart rate
increases, I breathe hard, I sweat, and I usually feel a little unstable by
the end, but the rest of the day I'm in a distinctly better mood. Along
with this, I have tried to identify the gloppiest 10% of my old food
repertoire (cheese omelets, spaghetti carbonara, low-grade pizza, whole
bags of potato chips at once) and replace it with things that are healthier
and usually more interesting anyway, such as lots more sushi, a variety of
other ideas that involve seaweed, and vegetable treatments that do not
entail smothering them in asiago and/or heavy cream. As bodily
self-improvement programs go, this one is far from an ordeal, and really
it's screwed with my cooking far more than anything else in my life. Nor,
mind you, is its efficacy liable to be trumpeted in tabloid headlines,
either: measured a week at a time, I don't quite lose a pound. The scale
goes up and down, actually, and from one day to the next it's not always
clear whether I'm really making headway. From one month to the next,
though, it's clear enough. Since I reached my target workout length, about
the beginning of August, my weight has been rewinding at about a month for
every year of gaining it. I really was at 200 when I started, I was alarmed
to discover. I'm now making my way down through the upper 170s. 175 was my
original goal, but unless I suddenly hit a wall somewhere, I now don't see
any good reason not to try to get all the way back to 150. More to the
point, this seems like a perfectly sustainable way to live, so I'm content
to see if it produces an equilibrium, and then evaluate what that looks and
feels like. So far, the chart and the mirror still say, pedantically,
"overweight". I hope they are enjoying themselves while they have the
chance.
Those, of course, were the good times. DOS was eventually
replaced by Windows, which was an improvement in the same way that a plush
passenger train with a buffet car is a better thing to drive down a dirt
road than a LeSabre on three spares. And year after year, four squishy
pounds at a time, the PC has grown doughier and wheezier and less enticing.
Windows solved some very real problems (those of you too young to remember
how DOS handled printing wouldn't believe me if I explained it), but it
solved a lot of them about a decade ago. Release after release, I have
upgraded at home or at work or both, and release after release I have
failed to become any happier about anything. The PC on my desk at home, on
which I am not typing this, is still running Windows NT. The one on my desk
at work runs Windows 2000 Professional, and the others I have to deal with
run Windows XP Professional. They do not make me feel Professional, they
make me feel like I have been tricked into misplacing something and then
forgetting what it was. The chief advantage of Windows 2000 over Windows NT
is that the control-key shortcuts for Save and Find work in Notepad, and
the chief advantage of Windows XP over Windows 2000 is that you can get
English menus in the Japanese input editor. These are oversimplifications,
admittedly, but the underlying point is that at no time during my adult
computer-using life have I felt like any technical advance in PC-platform
operating systems constituted an identifiable improvement in the moral
quality of their users' lives, nor a component of any kind of social
revolution I would feel proud to lead. At best, upgrades have belatedly
and/or partially alleviated pains their predecessors had no business
introducing in the first place. More often, they've deferred disasters
until they can do even worse damage, or helped people who don't care about
you control more of your life.
But this is retrofitted disgust, which until fairly recently
I'd been building up largely without noticing. It's been my job, ever since
escaping from tech support, to make non-operating-system software that
does improve its users' lives in some small way, and it hadn't
really dawned on me that I could be getting more help. When my company was
acquired, recently, and I realized I was probably going to have to start
traveling more, I figured I should probably get a portable computer, and
while my company would certainly give me one, I needed it more for my own
purposes than theirs, so I decided to poke around and see whether there was
anything distinctly cooler than what I would be issued. PC portables,
however, are obdurately dull and depressing, and can basically be divided
into two groups: the bloated ones, and the ones that are missing at least
one critical feature. Plus, they all just run the same versions of Windows
as the desktop machines, which meant that there was virtually no chance
that a new machine would change my life. Arguably that's a dumb thing to
ask of it, but I could readily think of three other uses of that amount of
money that seemed like they would make a difference, so why
shouldn't a new computer? At some twist of this internal dialog, a stray
heresy unexpectedly intruded: Doesn't Apple make portables, too?
I distrust arbitrary change for arbitrary change's sake. You
can always provide yourself with new challenges by deliberately fucking
with something that was working fine, but that's disconnecting work from
progress, and discarding the wrong one. No doubt learning a new operating
system would be diverting, but it wasn't another diversion I needed.
I've had Macintoshes at work over the years, for testing purposes if
nothing else, and maybe the operating systems have been a little better
than Windows, but the applications always lag behind, so on the whole it's
never seemed to make much difference. There are more fonts, but fewer mouse
buttons, and maybe everything is supposed to work together better, but if
it somehow doesn't there's no cover to pry off to see what's wrong. No
matter what colors they come in, computers suck, and there wouldn't be half
as much urgency to my job if they didn't. Don't change things unless
you actually have a reason.
But here is the thing you will learn from really using an OS
X Macintosh, and must somehow accept on faith if that's what it takes to
get you to Switch: Apple makes design decisions based on a sincere desire
to make your life better. Maybe they always did, but they've gotten better
at it. OS X is not just less-bad than Windows, it's Good. Yes, Apple also
have sleazy marketing weasels, and the salesdrone at the Apple Store in
your mall may be the same woeful grade of maladjusted cretin as the one at
Best Buy that tries to sell you $49 monster cables for a $59 VCR, but
somewhere in California, in the back corner of some office building where
they're deciding what should appear on the screen when you click the next
button, somebody is asking themselves not only what could appear on the
screen that corresponds vaguely with what you nervously hoped you hit the
right button to make appear, but what could jump a couple steps forward and
startle and delight you. Executives in the PC business use the word "sexy",
in such a way that I'm always surprised to discover that their children
aren't adopted, and the Mac interface is not "sexy" or sexy, and it
would be grotesque to want it to be. It is, in fact, playful, often well
over the line into frivolity. It is not businesslike, in precisely the way
that nothing should be "businesslike". The bouncing icons (and the
puffs of smoke and the pipe-organ speech synthesizer and the way dialogs
tidily resize and the drop-shadows on the windows and the jellybean buttons
and the eject key on the keyboard) are not individually rationalizable on
utilitarian grounds, and they do not pretend they mean to be. They are
there to, in aggregate, change the nature of your relationship with the
device. They are joyful, and they hope their joy is infectious. The more
you use a Mac, and the more of its secrets you learn (and the bizarre truth
is that although simple tasks are designed to be much simpler on the Mac
than on a PC, the Mac is also much more deeply and pervasively capable of
being tweaked and customized and automated and shortcutted), the more you
will like it. This is exactly, radically, totally the opposite of what
happens in Windows, where every damn thing you learn after the first ten
minutes will make you hate it more and more violently. In software we talk
about "usability", usually in the same tones with which your mother told
you that the medicine in the spoon was "grape flavor", and Windows, when
its features aren't designed to sell you something, is usable in just that
sticky, barely tolerable sense, and the fact that you don't throw up
doesn't make that half-retching sensation "grape". And not everything on
the Mac is great, either, but at every click and gesture there is something
that wants to be. I'm sure things will break, but I haven't quite had mine
a month and already more things have "just worked" on the PowerBook than
did in the lifetime of the PC it's replacing. The machine and its software
(and in OS X the "built-in" applications are real and exciting, not cynical
placeholders for something you'll have to purchase separately later) are
role models for a different conception of the function of objects in human
lives. Objects ought to be part of communications between people. Windows,
idiotically, tries to factor people out of both ends of the conversation,
so that the computer has no evident personality and you can't easily bring
any personality to bear on it when you use it. When the Mac talks to you,
it does so in human words and sentences, and you respond by touching and
pointing and jabbing, and although many of the pieces of the hardware are
the same ones you'd use on a PC, the grammars are not, and the character of
the dialog is not. To use the Mac is to be confronted, over and over, with
the idea that the most mundane task can be done artfully and
compassionately, beautifully and invitingly.
And I want to do better, want us all to want to do better. I
don't know what you do, but between us we do everything, and I believe that
if the tools with which we do things were all this inspiring, we would do
them better. And it compounds: as you make your things better, the person
who uses your things to make their things makes their things better. Maybe
you think I've been drugged, and a few bouncing icons can never instigate a
better world, but better worlds have to start being better somewhere. Many
somewheres, of course; the German who insisted on putting gel-damped
grab-handles in my Golf is starting somewhere, and the Korean who designed
the backlighting for my cell-phone keypad, and the manager at BMG who
agreed to make the rest of the My So-Called Life DVDs. Tomorrow, or
the next day, you'll get a chance to start somewhere, too. Whatever you do,
you'll get a chance to do it like you are you for a moment, not an
agent of some disembodied and hateful process. You will have a rule to
waive, or a loophole to paint instead of closing, or a hand to hold instead
of an eject lever to yank. The inexorable process of everything getting
gradually and powerlessly flabbier will continue, with you swept along, and
you will get to decide whether it's the day for dealing with it yet. It is.
It's tomorrow or the next day, or it's even today. My knee is improving;
you could wait until you tear something, but don't. Make up an
excuse. Get off your ass and start something you've been delaying,
something you know you ought to be doing already. Don't put it off because
you're not yet as fat as me, don't despair because you're fatter. The right
things are never a tenth as impractical as you think, the scary changes are
never a hundredth as painful. The most horrible truth is that everything
trundles merrily towards hell, and the second most horrible truth is that
you're probably pushing them that way by how you lean. But the most hopeful
truth is that despite every physical law pulling the universe towards
entropy, it still gets there so incredibly slowly, and the second most
hopeful truth is that it takes such tiny counter-pressures to save the
parts you love. Even less to save yourself. So start anywhere. Pick a
better way, and switch.
Copyright © 2003, glenn mcdonald